CHAPTER TWELVE

Tess' Wedding Day

Tess' family had not been invited. Angel's brothers had not replied to his letter. His parents said he was hurrying into marriage, but that he could choose for himself. Angel did not care. He planned to introduce them to Tess as a noble d'Urberville in the future.

Tess was still worried about the letter. She went to his room and found the letter unopened. He had not seen it. It was too late for him to read it now. She went to find him.

"I must confess everything to you," she said.

"Not today, Tess. We will have time after we are married. Then I'll confess my mistakes, too."

"You really don't want to know?"

"No, I don't."

She wanted to call him her husband so much that she said nothing else.

There were not many people in the church. Tess touched Clare to make sure he was real. When she came out she saw the carriage they were driving back in. She felt like she was in a dream.

"Do you know the story of the d'Urberville carriage?" Clare asked Tess. "Maybe this carriage reminds you of that story. A certain young d'Urberville man did something very bad in his carriage. But it is a sad story."

Tess was tired and sad. She was now Mrs Angel Clare, but did she really belong to Alec d'Urberville?

When they left the dairy, Clare kissed the other milkmaids goodbye. As he said goodbye to Mr Crick, a rooster made a noise.

"That is bad luck," the workers said to each other. They laughed behind their hands.

"Go away," Mr Crick shouted at the rooster.

Tess and Angel arrived at the old d'Urberville farmhouse. It was usually empty. Sometimes a woman came to cook and clean. Clare loved living with Tess. He thought to himself, "I must take care of this woman. I must never forget to think about her feelings."

It got dark and started to rain. A man from the dairy arrived with their bags.

"I'm sorry I'm late," he said. "Terrible things have happened at the dairy. The rooster was bad luck. Retty Priddle tried to kill herself."

"What happened?" Clare asked.

"She and Marian started drinking after you left. We found Retty in a river and Marian was drunk in a field."

"What about Izz?" asked Tess.

"She is at home, but very sad."

After the man left, Tess sat by the fire. They were girls who had not been loved. Tess had taken all the love, and she must pay for it. She would tell Angel the truth.

"This morning," Angel said, "we said we would confess our mistakes. I must tell you something. Please forgive me. I wanted to tell you before, but I didn't want to lose you."

"I will forgive you Angel."

"When I lived in London years ago, I did wrong with a woman I did not know. We were together for two days. I have never done anything like that again. Do you forgive me?"

"Of course I do," said Tess. "Now I have a confession for you."

"It cannot be as bad as mine."

"It is just the same," said Tess. Then she and Angel held hands. She bravely told him about how she met Alec d'Urberville and what happened after.

When Tess finished telling her story, she could feel that things had changed. She had not cried or been upset. The fire in the fireplace looked like it was laughing at her. The things in the room seemed very cold. It had only been a short time since Clare had kissed her. Now things looked different and terrible.

Clare stood closer to the fire. He felt like he had to move away from Tess. He had not understood the whole story, but he knew something bad had happened. As he began to understand how horrible the story was, his face looked like an old man's face. His head was in a fog and he could not think clearly.

"Tess, I cannot believe what you have told me. Are you crazy? This is unbelievable."

"No, I'm telling the truth," said Tess.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Angel looked at Tess strangely. "Oh, I remember. You tried to tell me, but I would not let you. I remember."

He was talking, but still could not think well. His mind had stopped working. He would not look at Tess. Tess walked to him.

She stared at him, but did not cry. Then she fell to her knees next to him.

"Please forgive me. Please, in the name of our love," she whispered. "I forgave you for the same mistake."

Clare did not answer.

"Please forgive me as I forgave you. I love you Angel. I forgive you."

"Yes, you did," he said.

"But you do not forgive me?" she asked.

"Tess, it does not matter if I forgive you. It is not the same thing. Before you were one person, and now you are a different person. Forgiving you will not change that."

Angel stopped to think about this. Then he began to laugh horribly. It seemed like an evil laugh.

"Don't laugh," shouted Tess. Her face was white. "It hurts me when you laugh like that. All I want to do is make you happy. Please don't do this to me."

"I know you wanted to make me happy."

"I thought you loved me." Tess could not believe what was happening. "How can you treat me this way if you love me? You frighten me. I will love you forever, no matter what happens. I want no more than you. How can you stop loving me?"

"But," said Clare, "the woman I love is not you. You are a different person now."

"Who did you love?"

"I loved a woman who looked like you, but who was pure."

Tess now understood how Angel saw her. He thought she was a guilty woman. He thought she had pretended to be innocent in order to make him marry her. Tess became very afraid when she saw this. She began to fall, and Angel moved to catch her.

"Sit down," he said. "You feel ill, and I understand why."

"You don't want me as your wife anymore. Isn't that right, Angel?" Tess began to cry very hard. Clare sat and silently watched her. He waited until her violent crying ended.

"Angel, am I too evil for us to be together?" asked Tess.

"I need more time to think about what we should do."

"I won't ask to live with you, Angle. I don't have that right. I will not tell my family that we married."

"You won't?" he asked.

"No. I will not do anything until you tell me to. If you leave, I will not try to find you. If you never want to speak with me again, I will not ask why."

"You will do anything I tell you to?" asked Angel.

"Yes," said Tess. "I will do anything, even if you tell me to lay down and die."

"This is good of you," said Angel. "You have changed. You used to look after yourself. Now you want to sacrifice yourself."

Clare's words did not make sense to Tess. She only understood that he was angry with her. She stood in front of him and did not say anything. She did not know that he was struggling between loving and hating her. She did not see a tear roll down his cheek. He understood that Tess' confession had changed his whole life. He had to make a decision. He had to do something.

"Tess," said Clare. He tried to speak very gently. "I can't stay here right now. I need to go for a walk."

He left. Supper was on the table. There were two glasses of wine. No one had eaten or drank. Only a few hours earlier they had shared a cup of tea.

As Clare closed the door, Tess stood up. Her husband had gone. She did not want to stay. She blew out the candles and followed him. It had stopped raining.

Clare walked very slowly. Tess could see his shadow. It was black and frightening. Tess walked behind him, but he did not notice her. The road was wet and she could see the stars. She followed Clare like a dog follows its owner.

Tess felt she had to speak to him.

"I'm so sorry Angel," she said. "I did not plan it. I did not want those terrible things to happen to me. And I did not want to lie to you."

"Well, that may be true. But you are still not the same."

Tess continued to beg for forgiveness. It might have been better if she had not spoken at all.

"Angel, I was a young girl when it happened. I didn't know anything about men."

"I understand that it was more his fault than yours."

"Then please forgive me."

"I do forgive you, Tess. But forgiveness isn't everything."

"Do you still love me?" she asked.

Angel did not answer.

"Oh Angel, my mother knows other women who had much more terrible pasts than mine. Their husbands didn't mind too much. And I love you more than those women could love their husbands."

"Don't argue, Tess," he said. "There is a correct way to do things. I think the person who discovered you were a d'Urberville should have said nothing. Maybe you were weak. You couldn't say no to that man because your ancient blood was too thin. Maybe you were powerless because your ancient family is no good anymore. I thought you were a child of nature, but you are the worst of your ancient family."

Tess accepted what he had said. She knew he did not love her as he had just a few hours ago. Nothing else mattered.

They continued to walk in the dark. They looked sad and did not talk. Finally, Tess said, "I do not want to make your life sad. There is a river nearby. I can end my life. I am not afraid."

"Tess, don't say that. Do what I ask. Please, just go home and go to bed."

Tess obeyed. When she returned home, she found the fire still burning and the food on the table. She went to the bedroom and saw flowers over the bed. Angel had happily hung the flowers. Now they looked silly and wrong.

Tess lay down. She had nothing left to fear and nothing to hope for. She was lonely, and she fell asleep. She was in the bedroom used by her ancestors.

Clare came back home late at night. He made a bed for himself downstairs and went to see if Tess was asleep. He was glad to see her sleeping. He felt like only he could decide what to do. He felt responsible for her life and for his. Clare began to leave, but turned back. He still loved Tess.

Then he saw a painting on the wall. It was of a woman with a proud look. She was one of Tess' ancestors. She looked like she hated all men. He thought she looked like Tess. The picture made him leave the room. He went downstairs to his cold bed.

Clare was calm. He was cold. He had fought against his desire to be with Tess, but he did not like this. He found it hard to believe that Tess was not the pure woman she seemed to be. Life could be full of surprises. He blew out the candle and the room was dark.

(end of section)